There was this spot in our old home (between the closet and bathroom doors) where I would go and sit and feel sorry for myself and sometimes-hate my husband.  It's true.  We are in such a beautiful place right now where we have broken through so many barriers in our marriage, but not without the trials of the past and I'm quite certain-hardships of the future.

What took me to that spot against the wall, curled up in a ball in an upright or fetal position?  Most often-it was my inability to speak up for what I knew in my heart was right, certain, honest, and meaningful.  I wasn't equipped with the ability to speak my mind with kindness, certainty, and grace. Instead, I'd huff and puff-with the occasional slammed door-but almost always excruciating silent treatment until neither of us could take it anymore.

What was I after?  It was quite simple, really.  I wanted respect, dignity, love, honor, protection, leadership.  Things I deserved.  Ironically, those were all the same things that Nathan wanted to provide me-but he just didn't know how-at least not yet  We needed practice.  With practice comes messing up, making big mistakes, and in marriage that can mean hurting one another-sometimes to the point that hurt feels like death. Looking back-my biggest mistake was wanting Nathan to be my God-to fix everything.  I wanted him to carry the burden of things that were bigger and out of his control.  

Through counseling, marriage classes, mentoring, prayer, and lots of hard work we've been able to do what I believe is the key to a good marriage.  We've been able to take those moments where the tension is thick enough to cut with a knife, where words are spoken out of anger, where someone just wants to escape from the room while the other uses words like daggers to hold someone captive-we've been able to take those moments and create space in between them so they happen less often and only for brief periods of time.

In the beginning of our marriage I'm afraid that most moments were splattered with frustration and pride.  As we matured and pursued God's will for our lives we've been able to focus on what's most important from day to day.  Over time and with practice we've filled the space that was once filled with harsh words, dark thoughts, and frustration with something better.  We have learned to lift one another up through kind words, to listen, to wait to speak, and to simply stay busy with those things that are good.  I write this as a reminder for myself and as a gracious acknowledgement to anyone out there who is suffering in dark moments in their own marriage.  With grace, mercy, kindness, patience, and hard work-it does get better.  

When you wake up in the morning and know that light must be allowed into all the dark places-the dark places start to feel smaller and less significant.  You begin to go to God first and then to your husband with the reality that he is flesh-just like you-but with so many blessings ready to be shared.  I'm learning to accept those well and with thankfulness.  

I'm not sure who I was before the birth of my fourth child-born at home with a midwife, but I do know that I'm forever changed.  Every member of my family experienced the healing opportunity that bringing a family member into the world in the comfort of your home provides.  My previous births had left me feeling battered, broken and held down.  There was this place inside of me saying there's something more, there's something better.

I still remember the first time I met my midwife.  So many thoughts and concerns were whirling through my mind as she walked in the door and sat cross legged on the floor.  Those concerns quickly melted away as she began to teach me about birth, touched my body with respect, cared for my health needs with a cautiousness that can only be applied with a generous devotion of time.

She never promised that everything would be okay or that I would get the exact birth that I wanted.  She did encourage me that my body was designed to give birth-perfectly designed by a God that sets everything into motion.  She prepared Nathan to be present and engaged in my birth while calling on the holy spirit to apply prayer as needed.  My birth healed placed in our marriage and we’ve seen one another in a new way ever since.

May 5th is the day that women and families internationally honor their midwives.  There's this special connection that only those who have experienced the loving care of a midwife understand.  A midwife doesn’t try to be the superhero-saving a mom and baby.  She cares for a mom and baby and if needed she provides the medical assistance to keep mom safe.  After a birth with a midwife you as a woman feel as if you have brought this baby into the world.

During the last few moments of my birth I repeated the same words over and over again, "I need help.  I need help."  In that moment she didn't come into my personal space in order to save the day, but rather held space to allow the Holy Spirit to quietly whisper, “I am here.  I am here."

I've been thinking a lot about resurrection lately.  How we can experience that over and over again right here on earth-as we break through generational walls and relational barriers to re-connect to one another and God.  There are very few moments in life that allow for that to happen.  The moment of Adaline's birth-held by my husband and surrounded by my children.  This.  This is resurrection to me.  And my midwife held sacred space to make it so.

I've been suffering from some lower back pain which I attribute to a bit of weight gain, stress, and just in general not taking very good care of myself.  Thankfully, I have been practicing slowing down, resting, finding balance-practicing is the key word there.  I'm accepting the lower back pain as a reminder-a reminder that I can't just eat whatever I want-because other people can.  A reminder that I'm approaching 40.  A reminder that a holistic approach to life was divinely created so that we can choose the highest quality life if we are willing to let go of the things that do not serve us well.

So that's what I'm doing-and it's going to be hard.  Here are a few of the ways that I am going to let go and choose to accept what's best for myself.  There's a reason why we are so drawn to the idea of minimalism, .  It's because it is so darn hard!

CLOTHING
I'm not exactly sure what happened, but i'm going to attribute it to our move which revealed items of clothing that we never knew existed.  Never the less we are covered up with clothing and it's been a huge stressed for me.  Compile that on top of a dryer that recently caught on fire and the reality is that something has to be done about it-quickly.

I was really motivated by THIS ARTICLE that was floating around on social media.  And by motivated I mean that I cringed, gawked, and ignored it for as long as possible-before I realized it was for me.  When I look at my personal wardrobe I realize that I wear three things:  athletic clothing, skirts/t-shirts, and dress clothes.  I'm going to do my best to minimize my closet to those three things while decreasing the number of items I own.

FOOD
Ugg.  I do not even want to go here, but I must.  Motivated by the illness of Nathan's mom and our daughter Lilah-how in the world can I ignore that the way we eat matters in a huge way.  In fact, I think when we look at the statistics that show us experiencing shorter life expectancy and a higher increase in food related illness-we should all just eat as if we are sick-because in so many ways we are.

So here is what I'm going to do.  I just ordered a 3 day juice fast from my friends at Zest-Juice for Life.  In addition, I'm going to get reconnected to the CERES Community Project which is what first introduced me to good food (in a way that made sense for me).  It's a good start for me because it's where I first began my journey with healthy food-juices (smoothies) and nutritious food.

TIME
I'm going to be greatly decreasing my internet and social media time.  This is a given considering the fact that the spring/summer season is upon us.  Reality is that there are farm chores to be done from sun up to sun down.  That said, a good decrease in the amount of social media and online commitment is always good for me.  It helps to ground me in what is true, real and most important.  I'm very much looking forward to it.

Here are a few good tools for either limiting your online time or at least becoming more aware of it.

www.rescuetime.com
www.minutesplease.com

Here are a few photos of what's happening around the farm right now.  

I love these farmers. Seven years ago I was introduced to them through mutual friends at a local buyers club. Linda was set up selling fresh milk, sausage, and other farm fresh food. She encouraged me with her matter of fact, compassionate answers to all of my questions. Together with the other farm women I met things began to change in my life. 

Not only was I learning to heal my daughter Lilah who was suffering from severe food allergies, but I was learning the importance of real food for our entire family. Over the next few years I learned more about age old cooking methods like fermentation, bread making, and good old fashioned frugalness. Most importantly, I discovered the value of spending time on the farm growing good food and the patience to devote time in the kitchen cooking. The mentoring that I received covered every inch of what it is like to be a woman raising children on a full time farm. 

Without knowing it they prepared us for each next step before it was upon us.

Bill and Linda invited us on the farm and into their lives through sharing their experiences with us. They never made it look easy and for that we are thankful. When a group of farmers came together to start Community Farmers Market Bowling Green they took a chance on us. Together with a handful of other vendors we stood in the back of a parking lot hopeful that this idea of inclusiveness and buying local in a big way would take hold. They believed in us just like we believed in them-and that was one of the most valuable ways they mentored our family.

The Lewis's are one of many farmers and artists at Community Farmers Market that have encouraged me personally during this time of raising up my children, making career changes, applying realistic improvements to the way we eat at home and sharing my voice. I'll be forever thankful that there have been people like them who are willing to share of themselves so openly while remaining loyal and committed to the work we all set out to do here in South Central Kentucky five years ago.