Every year around my birthday I like to spend time reflecting on the year behind me and choosing at least one positive intention for the coming year.  This often looks like focusing on a word or a thought and then using it to evaluate how I spend my time and energy throughout the next year.  It's a very centering and moving experience for me.

In 2013 I chose LOVE as my guiding word. I was expecting to be pouring out love, but instead I've found myself needing the love of others in ways I've never known. This is what I wrote on my Facebook page at the end of last year.

"As this year draws to a close I'm reminded of all the moments over the last year that left me completely dependent on the compassion and support of those around me. From the loss of a parent to becoming self-employed farmers to gathering courage to speak up for the under-served. I'm an overly sensitive, compassionate, motivated, change maker that carries a heavy burden with me almost all of the time. I'm thankful for a loving husband, wise children and friends who do not try to change me, but offer acceptance, a listening ear, forgiveness when needed, hugs and most of all unconditional love."

If I'm honest I cannot even remember what my word was for 2014.  I shared it with a few people-so maybe they can recall.  So much of the last couple of years has become a blur in the darkness for me.  That said, one word keeps rising up for me over and over again as a new year is upon us:  TRUTH.  You see, I unknowingly (and maybe even a bit unwillingly) made a commitment to step out into darkness several years ago.  A few personal experiences and disappointments left me so full of determination to help others as it relates to Food, Birth, & Community that I just couldn't stand still.  I knew that helping others farm or have access to good food would be hard, but I didn't know it would be this hard.  I knew that advocating for the rights of birthing women while providing support for all women (no matter where they are right now on their journey) would be hard, but I didn't know it would be this hard.  I knew that living in authentic community with others would be hard, but I didn't know it would be this darn hard.  Now I know.

If you have ever seen me out and I looked any combination of tired and worn out, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, elated, excited please know that it's because of this: I know.  The darkness I stepped into a couple of years ago has been filled with stories of failures, pain, loss, bullies, anger, confusion.  Without even knowing it I was shedding light on a whole lot of darkness (some of which had never seen the light of day).  Some people-including myself-were not ready for those things to be revealed.  Most difficult were the things inside myself that were revealed along the way-my own darkness is what surprised me most often.

I always thought I'd write a book or share publicly in someway my thoughts on food, birth or community. But really-that's already been done. When I think through what I've really learned over the last couple of years-it's how to keep on keepin' on when they show up. You know who I'm talking about-the adult bullies. The folks who use intimidation, fear, power, social rules, greed "insert any negative intent here" to hold people like me (and maybe people like you) down. They take our dreams and try to figure out why they won't work, they use words that crush our spirit, they point out our faults, they "keep us in our place" and the most difficult thing is they try to get others to join them so they appear more powerful. If we aren't careful they can make us scared of our own shadow and bring up terrible memories from the childhood playground. So if I sum up what I've really been doing the last couple of years it would be overcoming my fear of adult bullies so that I could have the courage to follow my calling. Because the only way to receive the true success that comes once you have hope, love, respect, dignity and the determination to follow your path is to care about others who are being held down.  In listening to your stories I've learned that this is exactly what you are struggling with too.  This was most often at the center of the darkness.

During my Hour with God on the evening of the winter solstice I prayed to be able to let go of the things that are not meant for me anymore.  I prayed to be emptied and made small so that I would be ready for something new.  I envisioned all of the things I have been given or created or used over the last few years drifting by and floating away.  I prayed that over time God would give me the wisdom to know which things to pick back up and which things to let go on by-maybe for someone else.  I prayed that God would give me a word for reflection.  I was given three words:  Truth.  Write.  Listen.

There have been so many times over the last couple of years where none of this felt right for me.  It often times felt too hard, too messy, too ugly, too dark.  I think that those feelings rose up most often when I was required to hold the truth inside and particularly when that truth was about the good that was being revealed too.  There have been times that my light was too bright on an area of darkness others were not ready to see (including myself), but also times when the light being revealed of those who were never meant to have light should have been revealed more honestly.  Today, as I step out into light I realize that none of this was meant for me until I had been through this darkness-alone.  What the darkness did to me and through me and around me was to prepare me to be a more courageous, loving, compassionate person that could use what I've seen in a way that creates good.

I'm really not sure what any of this means specifically and that's where my faith comes in.  My time in the dark shifted my faith more than anything else.  I questioned God and if he even existed-maybe you've done that too.  I questioned who I am and every decision I've ever made.  I was forced to bring up memories and thoughts and truth that I never wanted to see again.  There were many times when I believed in myself too much, or Nathan too much, or success too much.  Today I look at the future with a gentle peace as I'm called to speak truth, write honestly and listen to those who have and are now walking through their own darkness.  More than anything I'm thankful for the strong, amazing women I'm surrounded by each day.  They speak truth to me in ways that has lifted me up and carried me through the darkness.  They've seen me at my worst and listened to me talk way too much.  They've encouraged me to step into the light saying, "it's time".  So thankful for them.  I'm realistic that all of these things will be hard, but blessed to have been able to release enough of my burdens so that I can finally step into the light.  I'll be seeing you in new ways in 2015, peace to you.

I started my annual "must get back on track" ritual early this year.  A couple times a year (usually about this time and during mid summer when we are our busiest on the farm) I find myself way off track from my food goals.  For me this not only means putting on a few pounds, but I also start experiencing headaches, congestion, joint pain, sluggishness and even a bit of depression.  The best way for me to get myself re-focused is to have a good plan in place.

I start with the basics and while I've been eating these foods as a way to heal my body for years I find that taking time to make a list and putting those foods in obvious places helps me from forgetting (or picking up something unhealthy to eat).  Here are a few of the foods that will be welcomed into my daily diet.  Seriously-just the idea of filling myself up with these foods makes me happy.

I find that starting my day with a large glass of warm lemon water helps kick start my digestion and gives me a boost of energy.  I've noticed other benefits that encourage me to make this a daily practice.  While you can use fresh lemon I have found that I prefer a few drops of high quality essential oil in a 16 ounce glass of warm (not hot) water.

Chia seeds have several benefits such as cleansing the digestion system, boosting your daily protein and offering  filling, but low calorie option between or during meals.  They are packed with omega 3 fatty acids, protein, fiber and minerals.  There are tons of recipes out there for fancy chia seed dishes, but I normally simply take mine in a 16 ounce glass (1 teaspoon chia + filtered water) shaken and allowed to sit for a few minutes.

High quality broth is one of the most nourishing foods for our bodies.  It's how Lilah and I cured several of our food related issues a few years ago (while on the GAPS diet).  It makes sense (think chicken soup to cure a cold).  I like to keep some bone broth in the freezer just in case one of us needs an immunity boost, but this time of year there is nothing like making fresh broth.  I prefer chicken broth over beef or pork (but mixing them up is good too).  I simply take a whole chicken and combine it with onions and other vegetables we have available.  Cover with water, bring to a boil and then allow to simmer for 12-24 hours.  The chicken can be removed and used in other meals (we normally shred it for a nourishing chicken salad).

We are so thankful for our friends at Caught Wild Salmon.  Because of them we are able to get the best salmon available right here in Kentucky.  There's nothing like a broiled piece of caught wild salmon over a bed of fresh greens right out of the high tunnel.  

Fresh juice can be a great way to get multiple fruits and vegetables in all at once.  I love green juices and particularly those with less sugar.  Zest Juice for Life offers several different juice options every Tuesday and Saturday at Community Farmers Market.  Their juice is delicious and a great way to try it for the first time or to stock up when you are too busy to make it yourself.  I love their green juices and Nathan loves the hula hooch.  I also love smoothies with fresh greens (like spinach) and either apples or oranges.  Bananas give them a great smooth texture if you can handle the extra sugars.

There's nothing like a fresh, ripe piece of citrus.  This time of year we are stocked up with fresh citrus from our friends at Marion Groves.  We've found that having big bowls of oranges and grapefruit around the house help us cure our sweet tooth with something packed in vitamin C.  Looking to find your own source for fresh citrus?  The fine folks at Marion Groves will be at Community Farmers Market on January 10th with tons of oranges and grapefruit.

One of the most important tips for eating more nourishing foods is to stock up on a good, high quality extra virgin olive oil.  We stock up from Chaffin Family Orchards in California once a year and when that is gone we love the garlic infused from Stuarto's in Lexington.  We tend to just cook whatever vegetables we have on hand (and around here there's a lot), but a few of our favorite are sweet potatoes, brussell sprouts, cabbage, kale, butternut squash, potatoes and turnips.  There are tons of vegetables available all winter long at Community Farmers Market open every Saturday 8-1 and Tuesday 2-6.

I've learned over the years that even thought we try to incorporate more family meals at the table during the winter months we are simply snackers because our schedules.  I like to transition to simple snacks like popcorn, granola, and nuts (we love pistachios).   My kids are excited about our monthly delivery of Sweetgrass Granola that can serve as either a breakfast with milk or just as a snack throughout the day.  

In the past I would try to cook ahead and have things in the fridge ready to pull out on our busiest days.  This year I am so excited that I'll have an entree and sides available from Farm Fresh But Already Fixed.  Not only is everything Emily and Chelsea prepares delicious, but it helps get me out of my rut-I tend to cook the same things over and over again.  They have a few spots available so let them know if you want one.

What's your favorite nourishing foods?

Trying to balance the abundance of the season with your desire to raise thriving, compassionate kids? Me too-and it's probably one of the most difficult things I try to do. The Christmas season can be a really difficult time for kids-particularly those who are being raised in homes with an emphasis on compassion, giving and justice. Going from discussion on hunger, racism, sickness, and injustices to welcoming the abundance and busyness around the season that celebrates the giver of our salvation should leave anyone to "stop and think". In our home we focus on balance as much as possible. The celebration of gift giving can be a meaningful tradition to many of the circles that we spend time with during the year and participating in it can be a way to show respect and compassion for those we love. We've also found it to be a great way to experience impulse buying of luxury items in a limited way (we teach thoughtful patience on purchases the rest of the year).

Being prepared to engage our children as they process their emotions, feelings, and behaviors helps us welcome gifting without sacrificing their hearts. While this looks different for each of my kids on different days it can often appear as selfish behavior, outbursts of anger, silence, bursts of joy followed by moments of extreme sadness. These behaviors should be met with a loving understanding rather than frustration and contempt. It's very important for us to create a sacred place of communication during the advent season that allows each of us to think for ourselves, ask questions, process our feelings, come to terms with "enough", and welcome abundant generosity. It's been during this season that we have individually and as a family gone through some very life changing passages that always lead to more generosity.

Here are a few ways that we specifically create space for compassion during the season:

-Offer our older children ways to create income for themselves (rather than just giving them money). Then we allow them to make their own decisions on how that money is saved, spent on themselves, gifted or given to those in need. This year we started putting it on paper for them so they could see where their money is going.  Putting a value on money helps them to respect the work that is invested into the gifts they receive.

-We create space for times of reflection so that their hearts can be open to the needs of others. We respect their cautiousness or generosity without influencing them with what's the "right thing to do". We hope that we lead by example (although we often realize our own selfishness in the process).

-We create freedom to spend money on themselves or save it in order to prevent guilt. We work hard when they are younger to teach them patience, self control, sound spending habits and then allow the freedom to make wiser choices (and even mistakes) as they are older. The Christmas season is a good time of year to allow them to practice with impulse buying.

-When we begin to see acts of disobedience, negativity or anger we offer space for them to reflect on how they feel or we simply become present for them to discuss their feelings. We are extra generous with grace and forgiveness for poor decisions during this time of year.

-We create a regular time of devotion and discussion every night. This allows our children the safety of knowing that no matter what they are going through they will have an opportunity to share with us.

-We allow our kids to have overwhelmed and even negative feelings. And by "allow" I mean that we try to decrease the negative consequences (like rolling our eyes, walking away, creating guilt) around those feelings. It's easy to expect kids to show their appreciation, but if this season really is a reflection of our savior and salvation then surely moments of reflection that encompass all sorts of emotions are to be expected. Especially when our culture adds immeasurable amounts of sugar, splurges, and extra stimulation into the mix.

This way of being with our kids during this season is difficult to explain, but I hope you'll find it encouraging to know that I spend a lot of time feeling overwhelmed with it all. There are times when what I really want to do is sing Christmas carols, drink hot cocoa (or a Starbucks coffee), buy more gifts than we need and ignore the pain. But I've learned to recognize that calling that says, "please do not ignore these babies hearts". Often times I'll just sit down and hold them while they work through it all-words aren't always the answer. In the end, this way of looking at the season has made us look forward to January and the new year much more than before.  Balance.

One of the things I love about the holidays is the ability to splurge a bit on those whom I love so much.  Here's a list of some of my favorite locally sourced products.  Many of them available right here in Bowling Green, Kentucky or can be shipped to you from other parts of the state.  All of them come from the heart of good people who will use your financial support to do amazing things within their community.

Stuarto's (my favorite olive oils and balsamic vinegars come from this company-you have to try the fig balsamic-it makes eating your greens so much easier)

Farmer's Daughter sauce from The Coffee Cart (a delicious blend of locally sourced sweet and spice-you can use this on anything)

Thistle Farms (amazing skin care products created by the women at Thistle Farms-take a moment to read more about their personal stories of redemption.  This one's in TN, but it's close and I love what they do so much.)

Selva Chalinas (my friend Selva designs beautiful hand crafted items for everyone in your family)

Farm Fresh But Already Fixed (I absolutely love my prepared food CSA-this is the perfect gift for anyone who loves fresh, local food but doesn't always have the time to prepare it)

Sweetgrass Granola (The Gahn family not only creates the most delicious granola ever, but they give back to beginning farmers across the state)

Zest Juice for Life (Who doesn't need some fresh, wholesome food in their life after the holidays?  Consider giving the gift of live to someone who loves fresh juice)

HOME Cafe' & Marketplace (the owners, Josh and Chelsey Poling have changed the direction of local food in Bowling Green and they have amazing food to boot.)

Boyce General Store (the owners, Brad and Brie have renovated and revitalized a historic piece of the Boyce community.  They offer delicious, genuine old fashioned diner food)

HOTEL INC (My friend Rhondell and her amazing staff works diligently to ensure that everyone in our community has access to food)

Community Farmers Market (Double Dollars Program)