There are things I experienced as a child that left so much unresolved pain deep inside that it began to express itself in physical ways.  At seven years old I began a habit every time the pain would feel so overwhelming that I wasn't sure that I'd be able to take another breath.  I would cross my arms and dig my fingernails into my inner arm until the emotional pain felt under control.  In ways I cannot explain it created a false sense of comfort in my darkest days.

Over the past few years I've been able to work through many of these painful experiences.  I've identified them, worked through them, offered forgiveness and asked for forgiveness.  A loving husband, compassionate friends, knowledgeable counselors, and in prayer I've realized that this part of my story, however difficult to share-actually connects me to the people around me in meaningful ways.

During this time of sabbatical I am becoming more aware of other ways I have allowed compulsion to direct my actions rather than being physically, spiritually and emotionally prepared to live life in a way that allows me to be fully present.  I'm discovering ways I need to let go and put on a new self in order to become better equipped to love those around me.  This is the making new that seems increasingly necessary to let go of my old ways and move towards  maturity.

I'll end my sabbatical in a few months visiting a monastery here in Kentucky-something I've wanted to do for a long time.  As someone might prepare for a long physical race I'm practicing silence now in preparation for the prolonged silence I'll experience there.   As a full time farming mother silence comes in hidden places that I must make more room for.  I'm learning to just be-whenever possible.  I'm also learning to see the everyday moments around me as more significant and holy.
​
While I will end my sabbatical in silence I started it with a very physical reminder of hope.  I am fondly calling this My Girl.  The friend I’ve finally found the courage to meet.  She's placed at the exact spot where my physical pain would momentarily silence my emotional pain.  A reminder that life is a journey of both pain and joy. While most like a swallow she's a combination of several inspirations I'm drawn to in nature combined with suggestions from Nathan.  Most importantly, she is in a position of openness and vulnerability that is the starting point for strength.  From there I simply let go of all control and trusted the artist to introduce us to her. 

He heals the brokenhearted : and binds up their wounds.  Psalm 147:  3

Over the last couple of years I've had several life experiences that required me to put as much as possible of my attention into the present need.  Those needs included:
creating opportunity 
restoring 2319 Nashville Rd.
meeting writing and publishing deadlines
moving farms (while farming full time)
reuniting with my father after 8 years
caring for my father a few months later as he passed away
meeting grant deadlines to improve food access (a task that is very difficult for me)

As each need grew to a level that required my full attention I was able to peel away the commitments that were good, but not necessary.  It was made easier as I knew that soon, very soon I'd be able to pick them back up.  What I wasn't expecting is that during each stepping back I became more contemplative in my prayer life and more focused on what matters most.  It was when life went back to normal that I began to feel more out of control, anxious, and frayed.

In retrospect the ebb and flow of my life over the past several years has been that of working hard and frantically towards some sort of change followed by periods of recovery.  My recovery came in the form of week long illnesses, burn out, and serious red flags in the relationships closest to me.  All the things that were most important to me and the reason for serving my community:  healthy foods, deep connection, better habits had become less a part of my everyday life due to my lack of renewal.  As I've spent more time in contemplation the truth has been revealed.  As Philleena Heurtz says,
We all need:
Sabbath for Rest
Retreats for Reflection
Vacations for Recreation
Sabbaticals for Renewal.

I've done the first three from time to time, but it's the last one that has seemed nearly impossible.  How does a homeschooling mother of four who is also a full-time farmer and actively involved in her community take time for sabbatical?  The answer has become more clear as I've realized that those who serve their communities with the most creativity and selfless integrity like Mother Theresa, Richard Rohr, and many others are the ones who do take time for renewal.  The new question becomes,

How do I continue serving my community if I do not take time for sabbatical?

After much prayer and conversation with those around me I'll be taking a sabbatical beginning December 22nd (Winter Solstice) through March 27th (Easter Sunday).  Both have very significant meaning in my life.  The first, being a sign that the darkness doesn't win-the light is coming.  The second, being a reminder that we are all awaiting resurrection.  I've experienced what has felt like death & resurrection over and over again the last few years without the time to really process the hurts, suffering, and darkness.  I know there is a purpose and I'm ready to find it.  There is a connection between the desires of my heart for food, birth & community and the suffering I've experienced.  It's a common thread among my life and the life of others.  I'm in search of the connection, the meaning in it all.

"In the silence of the heart God speaks. If you face God in prayer and silence, God will speak to you. Then you will know that you are nothing.  It is only when you realize your nothingness, your emptiness, that God can fill you with Himself. Souls of prayer are souls of great silence."  Mother Teresa

While I'm still not certain exactly what my sabbatical will look life "in real life" I do know that there are certain commitments that I am making for this period of time.  My day will begin earlier in the morning and in contemplative prayer.  I'll be reading Common Prayer, memorizing scripture, and reading a stack of other books written by those who have made rest and renewal part of their every day life.  I'll be preparing nourishing meals for my family with the food we grow here on the farm.  I'll be taking daily time for restorative exercise like yoga and long walks.  I'm hoping to become more acquainted with silence and learn how to listen to the quiet voice of God.

I will be writing every day and some of that may be published here in this space.  It will be more of a journaling of thought rather than specific topics as I've written in the past.  If you would like to read more about my experience which will likely include a working through of hurts, fears, struggles, and suffering please check back in here from time to time.  If you'd rather just stay connected to what's happening here on the farm and the food I'm preparing in the farm kitchen visit HERE or follow me on Instagram.

I'm going to be decreasing my commitments in the community for a time.  It's something I've been doing for a while, but will be more dedicated to it over the next few months.  I will be deactivating my Facebook account, but will still be available by email:  michelle.lifeisgood@gmail.com or you can always text Nathan 270-799-5563.  My hope is that the connection I experience with any of you face to face will be more meaningful and that I will be more present.  If you would like to visit the farm please let us know.

I'll be honest that taking time away from some of the good things happening in my community and removing Facebook from my daily life is going to be difficult.  These are the ways that I've stayed connected to people and in many ways developed a sense of self.  It is the sense of power, the building up of self, and an identity based on what people think of me that I need a sabbatical to work through.  This farmwife is going to invest in her renewal and restoration so that she can continue dedicating herself to the same in others.

This is what sabbatical looks like for a farmwife.  It's not traditional by any means, but neither are many things about my life.  Thank you to everyone who is supporting me during this time in my life.  I'll be forever thankful.  

Blessings,
Michelle

“All great spirituality teaches about letting go of what you don’t need and who you are not. Then, when you can get little enough and naked enough and poor enough, you’ll find that the little place where you really are is ironically more than enough and is all that you need. At that place, you will have nothing to prove to anybody and nothing to protect.

That place is called freedom. It’s the freedom of the children of God. Such people can connect with everybody. They don’t feel the need to eliminate anybody . . .”   Richard Rohr

¶  My goal in life over the last couple of years has been to avoid pontification.  I stopped writing for a local publication because there just simply wasn't anything left to say without sounding pompous dogmatic, or to put it bluntly-like a know it all.  In fact, there's very little left to say about food, birth, community that hasn't already been said.  

That's why I'm taking my writing in a different direction.  I'm going to write more about what works in my life and what doesn't.  The ways I've failed.  The ways I've tried hard and succeeded.  The ways I try to fold in as much good as possible into the hours of my day.  It may be entirely boring and contrite, but for this point in my life, it just feels right.

It will be at the very least be good medicine for my soul.

¶  I'm looking forward to getting back to cooking more of the food we grow here on the farm.  To spending more time reading-all those good books about food, birth, and community.  To spend more time learning and taking in than teaching and spewing my thoughts.

I'm looking forward to the ways that this shift in my life will bring me closer to God, Nathan, and my children.  I'm especially thankful for the ways that it has brought me closer to a smaller group of friends.  Spending time to time, face to face with a good friend and admitting your faults and blessings is an embodiment of faith.  It takes me out of my head and allows my body to become part of worship in a more meaningful way.

¶  One of the things I love most about Nathan is that he came about his faith later in life and with a fresh perspective. He wasn't indoctrinated or forced into religion. He simply felt the love of God and wanted to get to know him/her better.

Rather than forming a strict theology he has simply chosen to spend as much time in nature as possible (because that's where he meets God). He's made a commitment to love his wife and children and community in the way that he believes Christ came (in human form) to demonstrate the purest love. He doesn't seek perfection, but simply tries his best. His only demand on me is that I not make a God out of him.

Nathan helps me make a whole lot of sense out of all the things that seem to be turned upside down in the here and now. He minds his own business in such a way that he often encourages the people around him to become more thoughtful. Without intention he nurtures the quiet space others need to get to know themselves better and if they choose, God.  #advent

What he does effortlessly in his faith requires every single part of my being.
​

Thankfully, after much prayer and dedication of time, we developed a team of doctors and farmers who helped us make serious changes to Lilah's diet, environment, and medical care.  We followed the GAPS protocol for two years, we sought medical advice from doctors trained in a more holistic approach, we eliminated chemical cleaners and made our home as peaceful as possible.  Slowly, over time, Lilah's body began to heal.  

  

Sweet Lilah Bug,
You are such a wise teacher.  Thank you for reminding me that we are not defined by labels or behavior.  There is no best way to engage with one another except for acceptance.  You opened up the world to me in ways I may have never known had we not set aside time to take care of you.  You helped me stop and think.

You've taught me that kids aren't created by parents for the approval and benefit of parents, but rather created by God for God to offer their rare gifts to the entire community.  Thank you for not being willing to give up and fit in.  When people choose to be their own unique self life looks so much different than what we plan and prepare for.  The world was not prepared for you.  That offered space for you to make the world a better place.

You helped me learn to stay at home more often.  Really stay at home in order to get things done that seemed so unnecessary before.  Sourcing pure local food, cooking healthy meals, choosing natural cleaners, encouraging a peaceful home environment all came to be because of you.  The most important thing you nurtured in me was the desire to talk to others in a calm, thoughtful way.  I got to practice that with you and you helped refine me even when it hurt.

All the things that you needed you were willing to demand.  In this way you have helped make me the mama I was meant to be.  I'll forever be grateful.

Love, 
Your Mama

¶  I had to hold space today while my oldest two worked through some really tough feelings.  It might have been one of the most difficult moments I've experienced as a mother yet.  Both of them had legitimate reasons to have gotten their feelings hurt.  Neither of them wanted to apologize, but both agonized over the reality that if they didn't then their relationship might change.  In the life of a 9 and 12 year old that means that they may not get to continue their civil war play outside this afternoon.

Both came to me for answers and I offered the best advice I could, but left them both with the understanding that they had to be the one's to figure things out and make amends.  Some powerful emotions and serious words came out of each of their mouths as I stood in the other room and hoped it ended well.  Thankfully, it did, and moments later they were playing outside letting out the cheerful sounds of restoration.

Restoration.

​¶  What a beautiful word to me right now.  I am in many ways being made new.  In fact, my time spent in this space on my blog is an outward sign of the making new happening in my life.  A year ago I had become determined to share more, and often, about what happens in the day to day life here on the farm.  Soon after I made that commitment and started to settle in life happened and I was taken of course.  This is an attempt of giving it another try and having lived in a bit of regret the last year I believe I'll stay the course.

Nathan is very much a long term thinker.  Just today he is having the rest of the tree stump the kids broke down ground so that we can plant another tree.  I think that the heavy winds the other night have really got him thinking about the large tree in the front yard.  It appears to be leaning more every day and the chance of it falling makes him want to ensure we have another tree to replace it for shade.  I'm thankful that he thinks of things like that.

Just like this tree that Nathan is planting-the one that won't provide shade for years to come-I realize my writing may become something that may not bear fruit for those I know in the here and now.  I've come to enjoy the writings of farmwives who lived 50, 100, or more years ago.  There's something timeless, meaningful, heart wrenching, and beautiful about their stories.  Maybe that is what this space here will become-either for my children or for other women who stumble across it years from now.  May this reflection of the passing of time bring restoration for the passing of time in the lives of those yet to come.